Broken Record

My last post was June 1st. It's been 4 months and I still feel like I'm stuck in the same place.

Here's the thing: my life is going great. I'm retaking Music Theory (again, don't get me started) but doing really well. I'm doing well in my other classes as well. I'm starting to work on mezzo rep in voice lessons, which is different since before I was singing full-lyric soprano type stuff, but it's nice. I love my SAI sisters and we're doing much more bonding now. Work is generally fun.

Life is great. And yet at least once a day, EVERY. DAMN. DAY. I want to cry.

I'd love advice. Tough-love. A slap in the face maybe.

It's not fair that I hurt still hurt over this so much, and he seems to be completely unaffected.

Sometimes I'm Fine

Really. Sometimes I am perfectly fine. I don't think about him at all, and I feel wonderful

But sometimes he's ALL I can think about.

Sometimes I can't stop thinking about him and the fact that he's not in my life anymore.

My heart feels like it's literally being crushed. I want to cry or scream or destroy something...

Or I get so angry... at the fact that he's never fought for our friendship. For me.

Four months of silence. Only one month less than the last time I did this, but this time it's HARDER.

Maybe because he promised to change... to try... to do SOMETHING.

And he didn't. So that hurts. And I gave up again, and he hasn't done/said anything. So that hurts even more.

I try to be strong. I try to act happy. I try to push him from my thoughts, because obviously he doesn't think of me.

Sometimes I think I'll feel this helpless forever.

And... sometimes I'm fine.

I'm really bad at this consistency thing...

Oops. I'll just stop making promises that I can't keep! Life is so busy though, you know? Now that school is out it will be better, but I'm just not in the habit of blogging so it is hard to start! Oh well. For today, I'm going to talk about something that you people should come to expect a lot of.


For anyone who knows me, you know HIM. For anyone who doesn't, a (not so) small back story: HE was my first love. My first kiss. My "one to get away," I suppose you can see. We met at summer camp and therefore nothing could ever come of us because we lived four hours apart (drive time) and we accepted that. I accepted that. Although I slowly fell for him over the years (from 8th grade till... well today still.) and TO MY EXCITEMENT... I ended up going to college only 45 minutes away from him. For me that was nothing because A) hello, FOUR HOURS before, and B) I liked him enough to make it work...

He didn't though. At the time, I was young and naive and believed the story of "I just got out of a serious relationship, I can't tie myself to that again, I just want to have fun, blah, blah, blah..." I was okay with waiting... When all of a sudden he was in a relationship with a girl at his school. It crushed me. I faked happiness on the outside because he was my best friend- I told him literally everything and he came off the same way. Called me his best friend back.

But since then, (2 and a half years now) we've drifted. He slowly stopped talking to me as much. What used to be hour long phone calls and plenty of texting and FB... turned into no phone calls. He sometimes responded to my texts. And he usually responded on FB, but left shortly after. He would promise to visit and ditch at the last minute because she would be over, or she didn't like it. And I didn't want to be in the way of his relationship so that was fine.

But I eventually grew tired of it. I stopped talking to him a year ago and then after 5 months gave in and we "patched things up." He said he'd try harder to communicate and be a better friend... But nothing changed. So four months ago, after he ditched my birthday, I did it again. This time I gave him no explanation. I merely deleted him off Facebook and out of my phone. He never said anything. I saw him a week later and we said "hi" before I- not so subtly- ran off, because I couldn't handle seeing him.

He hasn't attempted to contact me since, which is most likely good. At first I was just angry at him because "he wasn't a good friend..." Which he wasn't. But I've always grown up and realized that I was also the problem. I wanted way more out of our relationship than I was ever going to get. I wanted him to text me just because he wanted to tell someone about what RIDICULOUS thing just happened, or call me to ask me how I am, or just talk to me for no reason... because that's what I did... but he had someone else for that. His girlfriend.

So now my reason for not speaking... isn't just because I'm mad. It's because I know we can't be "just friends" until I don't feel this way about him. That may be 6 months, that may be a year... or maybe I'll never be able to be JUST FRIENDS with him. Maybe he was only meant to be in my life a short while, to teach me lessons, and then move on. And for now it hurts my heart (literally and figuratively) every day to think about him. But one day it won't.

Remember that time I blogged?

Yeah, me either (hardly). But I'm back!

Exciting things lately:

1. We're having a joint musicale with Phi Mu Alpha tomorrow and I'm performing "Landslide" with a group of my sisters.
2. I might be joining a band with a couple of my sisters, playing guitar and singing!
3. I joined Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.

Less exciting:

1. I haven't really been losing a lot of weight... like I lost 2 lbs, then gained, then lost, then gained... I need to work out more but it's hard to be motivated to want to do it.
2. MY CAR WAS BROKEN IN TO. Like, passenger side window smashed. And they stole my purse. I know it was stupid to leave my purse there, but I felt okay because I was at work for LITERALLY 2 MINUTES filling out a time off request. Learned my lesson obviously. Had to cancel my debit cards, cancel the checks inside, open a new checking account, get the window fixed (with a $200 deductable ugh)... and almost a week later I'm still realizing what things I lost. iPod, planner, $50 baton, mail key, music... I keep my life in my purse! But thank God they didn't see my computer and guitar- small miracles!
   
3. I miss him. A lot.

So that's been my life recently. I'm gonna try and get back on track with the whole blog thing! With my schedule it's hard but my goal is once a week at least. :)

Roses,
Alli