Shine On

Recently I've had a... revelation? Realization? I haven't fully decided. Maybe y'all can for me. Anyway, making a long story short... I've decided that as much as I love guys and want to jump their bones regardless of the fact that they don't want to date me... The thing I want most is to just TALK to the guy for a month before we actually date. I want him to hold my hand before he tries to kiss me, and to wait till like.. the second or third date to actually kiss me. I want a guy who doesn't think "oh, well I've been really nice to this girl... that means it's totally okay for me to ask her all of these personal sex questions."

You know what I mean? I want to go back to the 90's, when this was all normal! Unlike now, where if you make it past a first date you're expected to put out; if you're 20, almost 21, you shouldn't be a virgin; blah, blah, blah. I feel like I deserve better than that, even though it could be a long wait.

Haunted

So I am doing this "30 Day Challenge" thing on Tumblr. It's a list of 30 things to post about, one each day, and as I was doing one I decided it was definitely long enough to be a blog. I'm going to warn you now, it's a bit dark but I've learned that sharing my feelings, even dark ones, makes me feel better.

The "prompt" was A time you thought about ending your own life. (ONCE MORE: WARNING: this is not light and happy and if you don't like the subject matter go away now)

People may be surprised by this, because I make it a point to be a happy person, but I have been a very, very unhappy person. In middle school it started because I was overweight, confused about who I was, and had seemingly lost my best friends overnight. They all still hung out together, but I wasn't invited; group pictures of us were cropped so that I was no longer in them; they did everything together while I sat at home wondering what was wrong with me. I thought I was unhappy then, but I never considered killing myself because though I felt MOSTLY alone, I knew there were other people who cared about me. As I went into high school I made better friends with people I hadn't known as well from elementary and middle school, and met newer, better people.

Senior year though started badly. After I came home from being away all summer, my two best friends... were no longer my best friends. THEY were best friends, but I was no longer included because I had been away and they couldn't figure out how to include me any longer. I was once again no longer invited to their outings, even though I always invited both of them to hang out with me. One of them wasn't trying to really leave me out, but it happened because the other had complete control over her and her life.

Earlier in high school I had gotten my weight fairly under control with the help of Weight Watchers and swim team, but then at the end of high school I didn't have as much time and I had gained weight again so I was unhappy about that. Then my friends had seemingly ditched me, again. As graduation came closer I was frantic about what to do for college when I was rejected from two of the three music school's I had applied to. My father was unemployed and angry at the world because of it, and he often took his frustration out on me: telling me I was a quitter, I was ungrateful, I was fat, etc... This hurt because we originally were really close.

Going away to college I felt was a blessing. It all came together through a miracle of events and I was 6 hours away from my angry father, ready to meet new people and make new friends. It started off good; my father sometimes called me and yelled and I cried, but I did meet good friends who were there for me; I was on the Dean's List my first semester- something I never imagined happening...

Second semester though things fells through. My classes were much harder and I feared that I would fail a class. I wasn't losing weight like I wanted to. I had lots of really great friends, but none that I really felt considered me a best friend like I might consider them. And then at Spring Break my father really gave it to me; telling me I was too fat for any boy to ever want to date me. And to really cement the blow, my mother sat their listening and didn't speak up. This killed what LITTLE amount of self-confidence I had to little pieces. I did end up failing my class that semester, and three more the next semester during sophomore year; I cried all the time over little things and pretty much every time I spoke to my father while he told me to grow a thicker skin; I still felt like I didn't have anyone to call a best friend and I constantly thought about my father's words and totally believed them. No boy WOULD want to date me, a short and overweight girl, whether or not I had a nice personality.

So sophomore year was pretty much my worst time. Failing 3 classes in the fall made both of my parents angry at me, so I couldn't talk to either of them without getting into a fight or crying. When anything went wrong I immediately would wonder WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?! Why couldn't I do anything right? I wanted to do something right, I wanted friends, I wanted affection. And I admit in looking for affection, I was kind of... scandalous. I looked for it in the wrong places, in the wrong ways, and in the end it made me feel even worse about myself. I was on a downward spiral of self-hate, and many times I wanted to just end it because I didn't think it was worth it.

Lucky for me I was too chicken to ever even attempt hurting or ending my life. I still have plenty of issues in self-esteem and I'm really not comfortable around my father, even though he thinks he has made up for it. But I'm still somehow in a better place. Probably because I realized that having a "best friend" doesn't really mean anything- I have tons of really good friends that would do anything for me and that is enough.

Pocketful of Sunshine

I am so ready for Thanksgiving Break, to get away from the stress of school for a few days at least.

I am ready for Winter Break so that I can go to NEW ZEALAND for two weeks!!!

I am about ready to just give up being a music major. And then I'm not. I go back and forth multiple times a day.

I am ready to be 21! (Only 69 days left)

Roses,

Alli

A New Beginning

So, I've been wanting to change up how I blog for a long while now. But I just didn't know how to do it. I read other blogs and I think to myself about how funny or interesting it is, or how it evokes emotion, and then I read my own... and grew bored. I felt kind of like a whiny child actually, reading my words. Also, after having the terrifying experience of my computer crashing and then miraculously coming back to life I'm feeling a bit like starting brand new...

So I decided to just START ALL OVER AGAIN!

Now maybe this will seem like an over the top decision. But hey, I'm kind of over the top. As you either already know, or will come to know. :) I'm also very blonde at times (but not stupid), obsessed with music (I'm a music education major- for now at least- but more on that later) and while I might look cute and innocent (which, I mean, I pretty much am) I don't take crap. But I'll tell you all about myself in another post later! As for now, I'm backing up my music and pictures. Ta-ta for now!

Roses,

Allison