Broken Record

My last post was June 1st. It's been 4 months and I still feel like I'm stuck in the same place.

Here's the thing: my life is going great. I'm retaking Music Theory (again, don't get me started) but doing really well. I'm doing well in my other classes as well. I'm starting to work on mezzo rep in voice lessons, which is different since before I was singing full-lyric soprano type stuff, but it's nice. I love my SAI sisters and we're doing much more bonding now. Work is generally fun.

Life is great. And yet at least once a day, EVERY. DAMN. DAY. I want to cry.

I'd love advice. Tough-love. A slap in the face maybe.

It's not fair that I hurt still hurt over this so much, and he seems to be completely unaffected.

Sometimes I'm Fine

Really. Sometimes I am perfectly fine. I don't think about him at all, and I feel wonderful

But sometimes he's ALL I can think about.

Sometimes I can't stop thinking about him and the fact that he's not in my life anymore.

My heart feels like it's literally being crushed. I want to cry or scream or destroy something...

Or I get so angry... at the fact that he's never fought for our friendship. For me.

Four months of silence. Only one month less than the last time I did this, but this time it's HARDER.

Maybe because he promised to change... to try... to do SOMETHING.

And he didn't. So that hurts. And I gave up again, and he hasn't done/said anything. So that hurts even more.

I try to be strong. I try to act happy. I try to push him from my thoughts, because obviously he doesn't think of me.

Sometimes I think I'll feel this helpless forever.

And... sometimes I'm fine.

I'm really bad at this consistency thing...

Oops. I'll just stop making promises that I can't keep! Life is so busy though, you know? Now that school is out it will be better, but I'm just not in the habit of blogging so it is hard to start! Oh well. For today, I'm going to talk about something that you people should come to expect a lot of.


For anyone who knows me, you know HIM. For anyone who doesn't, a (not so) small back story: HE was my first love. My first kiss. My "one to get away," I suppose you can see. We met at summer camp and therefore nothing could ever come of us because we lived four hours apart (drive time) and we accepted that. I accepted that. Although I slowly fell for him over the years (from 8th grade till... well today still.) and TO MY EXCITEMENT... I ended up going to college only 45 minutes away from him. For me that was nothing because A) hello, FOUR HOURS before, and B) I liked him enough to make it work...

He didn't though. At the time, I was young and naive and believed the story of "I just got out of a serious relationship, I can't tie myself to that again, I just want to have fun, blah, blah, blah..." I was okay with waiting... When all of a sudden he was in a relationship with a girl at his school. It crushed me. I faked happiness on the outside because he was my best friend- I told him literally everything and he came off the same way. Called me his best friend back.

But since then, (2 and a half years now) we've drifted. He slowly stopped talking to me as much. What used to be hour long phone calls and plenty of texting and FB... turned into no phone calls. He sometimes responded to my texts. And he usually responded on FB, but left shortly after. He would promise to visit and ditch at the last minute because she would be over, or she didn't like it. And I didn't want to be in the way of his relationship so that was fine.

But I eventually grew tired of it. I stopped talking to him a year ago and then after 5 months gave in and we "patched things up." He said he'd try harder to communicate and be a better friend... But nothing changed. So four months ago, after he ditched my birthday, I did it again. This time I gave him no explanation. I merely deleted him off Facebook and out of my phone. He never said anything. I saw him a week later and we said "hi" before I- not so subtly- ran off, because I couldn't handle seeing him.

He hasn't attempted to contact me since, which is most likely good. At first I was just angry at him because "he wasn't a good friend..." Which he wasn't. But I've always grown up and realized that I was also the problem. I wanted way more out of our relationship than I was ever going to get. I wanted him to text me just because he wanted to tell someone about what RIDICULOUS thing just happened, or call me to ask me how I am, or just talk to me for no reason... because that's what I did... but he had someone else for that. His girlfriend.

So now my reason for not speaking... isn't just because I'm mad. It's because I know we can't be "just friends" until I don't feel this way about him. That may be 6 months, that may be a year... or maybe I'll never be able to be JUST FRIENDS with him. Maybe he was only meant to be in my life a short while, to teach me lessons, and then move on. And for now it hurts my heart (literally and figuratively) every day to think about him. But one day it won't.

Remember that time I blogged?

Yeah, me either (hardly). But I'm back!

Exciting things lately:

1. We're having a joint musicale with Phi Mu Alpha tomorrow and I'm performing "Landslide" with a group of my sisters.
2. I might be joining a band with a couple of my sisters, playing guitar and singing!
3. I joined Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.

Less exciting:

1. I haven't really been losing a lot of weight... like I lost 2 lbs, then gained, then lost, then gained... I need to work out more but it's hard to be motivated to want to do it.
2. MY CAR WAS BROKEN IN TO. Like, passenger side window smashed. And they stole my purse. I know it was stupid to leave my purse there, but I felt okay because I was at work for LITERALLY 2 MINUTES filling out a time off request. Learned my lesson obviously. Had to cancel my debit cards, cancel the checks inside, open a new checking account, get the window fixed (with a $200 deductable ugh)... and almost a week later I'm still realizing what things I lost. iPod, planner, $50 baton, mail key, music... I keep my life in my purse! But thank God they didn't see my computer and guitar- small miracles!
   
3. I miss him. A lot.

So that's been my life recently. I'm gonna try and get back on track with the whole blog thing! With my schedule it's hard but my goal is once a week at least. :)

Roses,
Alli

Shine On

Recently I've had a... revelation? Realization? I haven't fully decided. Maybe y'all can for me. Anyway, making a long story short... I've decided that as much as I love guys and want to jump their bones regardless of the fact that they don't want to date me... The thing I want most is to just TALK to the guy for a month before we actually date. I want him to hold my hand before he tries to kiss me, and to wait till like.. the second or third date to actually kiss me. I want a guy who doesn't think "oh, well I've been really nice to this girl... that means it's totally okay for me to ask her all of these personal sex questions."

You know what I mean? I want to go back to the 90's, when this was all normal! Unlike now, where if you make it past a first date you're expected to put out; if you're 20, almost 21, you shouldn't be a virgin; blah, blah, blah. I feel like I deserve better than that, even though it could be a long wait.

Haunted

So I am doing this "30 Day Challenge" thing on Tumblr. It's a list of 30 things to post about, one each day, and as I was doing one I decided it was definitely long enough to be a blog. I'm going to warn you now, it's a bit dark but I've learned that sharing my feelings, even dark ones, makes me feel better.

The "prompt" was A time you thought about ending your own life. (ONCE MORE: WARNING: this is not light and happy and if you don't like the subject matter go away now)

People may be surprised by this, because I make it a point to be a happy person, but I have been a very, very unhappy person. In middle school it started because I was overweight, confused about who I was, and had seemingly lost my best friends overnight. They all still hung out together, but I wasn't invited; group pictures of us were cropped so that I was no longer in them; they did everything together while I sat at home wondering what was wrong with me. I thought I was unhappy then, but I never considered killing myself because though I felt MOSTLY alone, I knew there were other people who cared about me. As I went into high school I made better friends with people I hadn't known as well from elementary and middle school, and met newer, better people.

Senior year though started badly. After I came home from being away all summer, my two best friends... were no longer my best friends. THEY were best friends, but I was no longer included because I had been away and they couldn't figure out how to include me any longer. I was once again no longer invited to their outings, even though I always invited both of them to hang out with me. One of them wasn't trying to really leave me out, but it happened because the other had complete control over her and her life.

Earlier in high school I had gotten my weight fairly under control with the help of Weight Watchers and swim team, but then at the end of high school I didn't have as much time and I had gained weight again so I was unhappy about that. Then my friends had seemingly ditched me, again. As graduation came closer I was frantic about what to do for college when I was rejected from two of the three music school's I had applied to. My father was unemployed and angry at the world because of it, and he often took his frustration out on me: telling me I was a quitter, I was ungrateful, I was fat, etc... This hurt because we originally were really close.

Going away to college I felt was a blessing. It all came together through a miracle of events and I was 6 hours away from my angry father, ready to meet new people and make new friends. It started off good; my father sometimes called me and yelled and I cried, but I did meet good friends who were there for me; I was on the Dean's List my first semester- something I never imagined happening...

Second semester though things fells through. My classes were much harder and I feared that I would fail a class. I wasn't losing weight like I wanted to. I had lots of really great friends, but none that I really felt considered me a best friend like I might consider them. And then at Spring Break my father really gave it to me; telling me I was too fat for any boy to ever want to date me. And to really cement the blow, my mother sat their listening and didn't speak up. This killed what LITTLE amount of self-confidence I had to little pieces. I did end up failing my class that semester, and three more the next semester during sophomore year; I cried all the time over little things and pretty much every time I spoke to my father while he told me to grow a thicker skin; I still felt like I didn't have anyone to call a best friend and I constantly thought about my father's words and totally believed them. No boy WOULD want to date me, a short and overweight girl, whether or not I had a nice personality.

So sophomore year was pretty much my worst time. Failing 3 classes in the fall made both of my parents angry at me, so I couldn't talk to either of them without getting into a fight or crying. When anything went wrong I immediately would wonder WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?! Why couldn't I do anything right? I wanted to do something right, I wanted friends, I wanted affection. And I admit in looking for affection, I was kind of... scandalous. I looked for it in the wrong places, in the wrong ways, and in the end it made me feel even worse about myself. I was on a downward spiral of self-hate, and many times I wanted to just end it because I didn't think it was worth it.

Lucky for me I was too chicken to ever even attempt hurting or ending my life. I still have plenty of issues in self-esteem and I'm really not comfortable around my father, even though he thinks he has made up for it. But I'm still somehow in a better place. Probably because I realized that having a "best friend" doesn't really mean anything- I have tons of really good friends that would do anything for me and that is enough.

Pocketful of Sunshine

I am so ready for Thanksgiving Break, to get away from the stress of school for a few days at least.

I am ready for Winter Break so that I can go to NEW ZEALAND for two weeks!!!

I am about ready to just give up being a music major. And then I'm not. I go back and forth multiple times a day.

I am ready to be 21! (Only 69 days left)

Roses,

Alli